Craziness Killed the Cat

I’ve been fighting with mental illness for several years now. The illness has been playing the main role when I make critical decisions about my life. Several years ago, I fell in love with an academic field, not related to technology, when I was an undergraduate student at a university in Tokyo, Japan. At the time, things seemingly went well. I had a circle of friends who fully understand my attitude towards the field as well as teachers who inspire me to pursue my goal through courses and through outside-of-class interaction. I was geeky enough to think that in summer break I was free of school work, meaning I can explore the field on my own pace. As I reflect now, I might have been obsessed with the studies. I went to university solely to recieve education. Frank Zappa, who once said “If you want to get laid, go to college, but if you want an education, go to the library.”, was right. I chose the library, not the university. I didn’t have such a thing as pastime except sleeping. Neither did I have leisure activities people enjoy (e.g., movie, music, novel, partying, drink and dance). I was always looking for information about academic conferences, seminors, study groups and the like to attend on Saturdays and Sundays, not consert information about Norah Jones. Nobody knew I was listening to lectures on iPod, not only Usher and Eminem. I had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and skills to survive in the academic community.

As time paased by, I came to ponder my future. Obviously, I planned to go to a graduate school to continue studying. Recieving high education about the academic field in Japan was not my primary option because, still at present, a majority of Japanese researchers spend a fair amount of time in universities in the US or Canada during their graduate studies. My English skills, however, weren’t ready for prime time to moving to another country and spend 24 hours a day with a foreign language, English. I wanted to be very perfect, not reasonably perfect. After serious consideration, I decided to take a gap year to be more prepared for graduate studies. Improving English and consolidating what I had learned so far; these two were my tasks of the year. I spent 4 months in Vansterdam to attend an ESL school. My English drastically improved, and I learned how it is like to be in a foreign country. More noteworthy is, I serendipitiously developed a true spirit of love and friendship, which profoundly shapes who I am now.

Upon return home, I was hit by a severe crisis. Owing to the illness, I was forcibly taken to hospital and spent a month there. You never know what mental hospical is unless you are in as a patient. Regardless, my applications to graduate schools were submitted and accepted successfully. I decided to attend a renowned university in, what’s called, the Aloha state. Step 1 of my dream came true.

In the island, my state of mental health again impeded my life. As a result, I came home in Japan after spending only two months. I lost the plot. The detailed directions of my life I had set up were no longer valid. Completely hopless.

Now I don’t even know where the map is. I gave up finding the previous road. I have a fairly complicate issue about my re-application to schools. Providing that I recover from this illness, I can’t get back on track. Life is long-winded. About a year rolled on after my disappointing arrival to my home. I’m not “Insanely Great ™”, but greatly insane. I’m over drugged. At times, I can’t get out of bed. Nor can I get out of the home except the time when I go to see a doctor. Even having a shower is gruelling.

I’ll write more later on…

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